You've pretty much ruined everything.

I miss days before E-balls, internet communities, cheapened art and (hypocritical moment!) pointless blogging.

I quite vividly remember just why I fall off the face of the internet from time to time. I may personally be in a positive swing right now, but they don't last.

Maybe it's the BC talking. Not sure.

But I think I'll be taking my Hot Flashes and going to bed now. I need some good sleep. I need to stop feeling so crappy. 

P.S. Please don't let me forget that what I do is a means of expression before it is a business and make me stop whoring myself out so cheaply. It's killing my self esteem. Like lobsters in a pot, I HEAR IT SCREAMING.

Holy crap, I'm LJing. That walk was much needed, one of those that clears the mind. I typically abhor snow, but there is some gentle comfort in the silence of a snow-covered landscape at bizarre hours of the morning. First order of business - Birth Control. Oh god. After the third irregular menses in the year, and for... other reasons, I decided to finally go on the pill. And I am having the most miserable time of my life. Pregnancy rattled my body less than this. My stomach is upset, I'm cramping (and in...unmentionable places too. OW.), my boobs are sore, I'm breaking out. It's like... MASSIVE PMS ALL AT ONCE. I really hope this does not last long. Because...wow. ( Cut for Artist_Beware ranting ) Also, this song has been stuck in my head this evening. Alanis Morisette's "Joining You" Dear Darlin, Your mom, my friend Left a message on my machine She was frantic Saying you were talking crazy. That you wanted to do away with yourself. Guess she thought I would be the perfect resort Because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth And yes, they're in shock They are panicked You and your chronic Them and their drama You this embarrassment Us in the middle of this delusion. If we were our bodies, If we were our futures, If we were our defenses, I'd be joining you. If we were our culture, If we were our leaders, If we were our denials, I'd be joining you. I remember vividly a day years ago, We were camping. You knew more than you thought you should know. You said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed" And you were mind-boggling, you were intense. You were uncomfortable in your own skin. You were thirsty, But mostly you were beautiful. If we were our name-tags, If we were our rejections, If we were our outcomes, I'd be joining you. If we were our indignities, If we were our successes, If we were our emotions, I'd be joining you. You and I, we're like four year olds. We want to know why, and how come about everything. We want to reveal ourselves at will, and speak our minds. And never talk small talk and be intuitive, And question mightily, and find God my tortured beacon. We need to find like-minded companions. If we were their condemnations, If we were their projections, If we were our paranoias, I'd be joining you. If we were our incomes, If we were our obsessions, If we were our afflictions, I'd be joining you. We need a reflection, We need a really good memory. Feel free to call me a little more often.

It's your turn. ;)

Here's a gifty art.




And an icon to go with. :3

So uh, yeah - remember that thank you sketch I did for you a while back?

<.< I decided to color it.

I hope you like!



Also, Icon. <.<

:) I know it's not much, and I really would like to ink and color it when I get the chance, too -

But this is just to say thank you so much <3

After finding out my MiL-to-be lied about so many things this weekend and purposefully disregarded instruction on caring for Vincent, I told her quite blatantly that I didn't trust her, and that in order to visit Vince, myself or her son would have to be present. This is, verbatim, what she had to say.

Because apparently rolling over at 1mo , crawling before 7, 'reading' books aloud to me earlier than 6mo etc is behind on his milestones. The only milestones that lagged were the ones that were hanging on his size - because he's a big boy, and it's not quite so easy to lift all of that on his arms.

Stupid, stupid bitch. Without further ado:

"See, the mistake you made was you thought I cared.  I purposely did not grow attached to Vincent because I knew you would pull this.  I am closer to my friend's baby than I am to yours.  So, awwww.  You mean I won't get another chance for you and Anthony to dump the baby on me without any regards to anyone's needs but your own.
 
As far as that weekend.  You want to talk about inconsiderate.  You don't make plans ahead of time.  I tell Anton my limits.  The time I am to watch him varies from one day to the next, from one hour to the next.  You don't answer the phone.  You leave him with little food that Kelly had to buy some (which is considerable more that wah wah wah, $6.00 for a bottle) and you sister probably had to buy some too.  I had to run around to pick him up, take him to your sister, yet Anton can run him down to Kelly's.  And this, Anton was going to be home. YOUR words.  Oh, and Anton gave me your sister's phone number.
 
You selfish little bitch.  Grow up.  I feel awful for Vince as one human to another.  You ignore him and leave him on the floor so you can play on your computer. You aren't even aware he is behind in his milestones.  You let him live in a pigsty.  Oh, yeah, you love your baby.  You can't handle one and you want to have another.  You let the state pay for the tab on Vincent.  Yeah, bitch, my taxes paid for Vince and his health care.
 
Guess what.  I raised two kids.  The one was doing fine until you and your white trash family came into the picture. 
 
Got to admit.  Part of me wished you died in that accident.  Then maybe Anton and Vince would have a chance.

"Because I don't trust you, and without a miracle - I never will."
>
I have to care about you for this to matter."


Real Mature, Bridget.


EDIT: And just so I'm not hiding what it is I sent in the first place<3

I don't even know where to begin with you, but it's about time you get a taste of your own medicine. I don't know where you feel you have the right to supersede not only my judgment, but the doctor's and nutritionalist's as well?

Let me start by saying you will NEVER, and I repeat NEVER be asked to watch Vincent again. Nor will he be permitted to be down there without either myself or Anthony there as well. Unless you find some miracle way to gain my trust (And believe me, I can see through all of your games quite easily - and I can tell if you're attempting to manipulate Anthony. It won't work.), then this is the way it's going to be. Why?

Because like you're always telling your son, /your actions have consequences/. And deliberately disobeying me on more than one account, destroying my property, and in general being an incredibly selfish and impatient person in which everything has to be about /you/ have caused me to lose trust in you - what little I had to begin with. I gave you the benefit of the doubt on more than one occasion because you're blood, and you just up and threw that out the window.

Not only were you not willing to do the same part that everyone else was the weekend I had to leave (so I could financially support my family, as if you really cared anyway), you sprung the "I can only watch him until 2" at the very last minute. And then you somehow (I have no idea how in the world you got it) found my sister's number and dumped him with her at HER WORK - so that you could go and play. Very responsible. And now I found out that you mutilated one of my bottle nipples (They're expensive as hell. You owe me six dollars, and did I mention that you can only buy that size at Babies R Us? You'll be lucky to find them on the internet, even.) and fed him cereal through a bottle, WHICH YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD NOT TO DO. MANY TIMES.

I could say so much more right now, I'm so fired up and pissed at you. But what I say now stands. The only thing that keeps you from your grandson are your own actions. If you are to visit with your grandson, Anthony and I are to be present at all times.

Because I don't trust you, and without a miracle - I never will.

But I have no outlet for it!

I used to write a lot of....craptacular music in high school. Don't get me wrong, it was lots of fun, but I...suck at it. But, laying on the couch half dozing off, I felt the spark again. No...feeling the spark isn't the right way to put it.

I could hear the music. I can hear this music in perfect clarity, mind you. Like a movie soundtrack, every individual note and sound is deliciously pronounced in my mind. I don't know where it comes from, and I have no idea how to get it out. If they had a way to spit out brain wavelengths, I'd be some kind of famous composer, I swear.

And so this has me itching to create again, even though I suck...hardcore. Even worse, I sold my keyboard several years ago, not that I'd have much room to put the thing... I'd find a place.

Maybe someday.

Anyone else hear these things in their head like this? No idea where they came from, just..beautiful melodies?

My phone number has been changed back to the old one, now that my contract with Sprint is over (HUZZAH!) We're now Verizon network, for those who have my old phone #. We also can now receive and send texts with no charges.

If you DON'T have my phone number and would like it, or don't have my old phone number and want to verify/what-have-you, feel free to comment. :3 All comments are screened for your privacy.

Best fucking weekend EVER.

I am SO on a high right now, and with only four hours of sleep under my belt too >XD This weekend was exactly what I needed, and I really have this feeling that things are going to look up.

Squeef! :3