:) I know it's not much, and I really would like to ink and color it when I get the chance, too -

But this is just to say thank you so much <3

After finding out my MiL-to-be lied about so many things this weekend and purposefully disregarded instruction on caring for Vincent, I told her quite blatantly that I didn't trust her, and that in order to visit Vince, myself or her son would have to be present. This is, verbatim, what she had to say.

Because apparently rolling over at 1mo , crawling before 7, 'reading' books aloud to me earlier than 6mo etc is behind on his milestones. The only milestones that lagged were the ones that were hanging on his size - because he's a big boy, and it's not quite so easy to lift all of that on his arms.

Stupid, stupid bitch. Without further ado:

"See, the mistake you made was you thought I cared.  I purposely did not grow attached to Vincent because I knew you would pull this.  I am closer to my friend's baby than I am to yours.  So, awwww.  You mean I won't get another chance for you and Anthony to dump the baby on me without any regards to anyone's needs but your own.
 
As far as that weekend.  You want to talk about inconsiderate.  You don't make plans ahead of time.  I tell Anton my limits.  The time I am to watch him varies from one day to the next, from one hour to the next.  You don't answer the phone.  You leave him with little food that Kelly had to buy some (which is considerable more that wah wah wah, $6.00 for a bottle) and you sister probably had to buy some too.  I had to run around to pick him up, take him to your sister, yet Anton can run him down to Kelly's.  And this, Anton was going to be home. YOUR words.  Oh, and Anton gave me your sister's phone number.
 
You selfish little bitch.  Grow up.  I feel awful for Vince as one human to another.  You ignore him and leave him on the floor so you can play on your computer. You aren't even aware he is behind in his milestones.  You let him live in a pigsty.  Oh, yeah, you love your baby.  You can't handle one and you want to have another.  You let the state pay for the tab on Vincent.  Yeah, bitch, my taxes paid for Vince and his health care.
 
Guess what.  I raised two kids.  The one was doing fine until you and your white trash family came into the picture. 
 
Got to admit.  Part of me wished you died in that accident.  Then maybe Anton and Vince would have a chance.

"Because I don't trust you, and without a miracle - I never will."
>
I have to care about you for this to matter."


Real Mature, Bridget.


EDIT: And just so I'm not hiding what it is I sent in the first place<3

I don't even know where to begin with you, but it's about time you get a taste of your own medicine. I don't know where you feel you have the right to supersede not only my judgment, but the doctor's and nutritionalist's as well?

Let me start by saying you will NEVER, and I repeat NEVER be asked to watch Vincent again. Nor will he be permitted to be down there without either myself or Anthony there as well. Unless you find some miracle way to gain my trust (And believe me, I can see through all of your games quite easily - and I can tell if you're attempting to manipulate Anthony. It won't work.), then this is the way it's going to be. Why?

Because like you're always telling your son, /your actions have consequences/. And deliberately disobeying me on more than one account, destroying my property, and in general being an incredibly selfish and impatient person in which everything has to be about /you/ have caused me to lose trust in you - what little I had to begin with. I gave you the benefit of the doubt on more than one occasion because you're blood, and you just up and threw that out the window.

Not only were you not willing to do the same part that everyone else was the weekend I had to leave (so I could financially support my family, as if you really cared anyway), you sprung the "I can only watch him until 2" at the very last minute. And then you somehow (I have no idea how in the world you got it) found my sister's number and dumped him with her at HER WORK - so that you could go and play. Very responsible. And now I found out that you mutilated one of my bottle nipples (They're expensive as hell. You owe me six dollars, and did I mention that you can only buy that size at Babies R Us? You'll be lucky to find them on the internet, even.) and fed him cereal through a bottle, WHICH YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD NOT TO DO. MANY TIMES.

I could say so much more right now, I'm so fired up and pissed at you. But what I say now stands. The only thing that keeps you from your grandson are your own actions. If you are to visit with your grandson, Anthony and I are to be present at all times.

Because I don't trust you, and without a miracle - I never will.

But I have no outlet for it!

I used to write a lot of....craptacular music in high school. Don't get me wrong, it was lots of fun, but I...suck at it. But, laying on the couch half dozing off, I felt the spark again. No...feeling the spark isn't the right way to put it.

I could hear the music. I can hear this music in perfect clarity, mind you. Like a movie soundtrack, every individual note and sound is deliciously pronounced in my mind. I don't know where it comes from, and I have no idea how to get it out. If they had a way to spit out brain wavelengths, I'd be some kind of famous composer, I swear.

And so this has me itching to create again, even though I suck...hardcore. Even worse, I sold my keyboard several years ago, not that I'd have much room to put the thing... I'd find a place.

Maybe someday.

Anyone else hear these things in their head like this? No idea where they came from, just..beautiful melodies?

My phone number has been changed back to the old one, now that my contract with Sprint is over (HUZZAH!) We're now Verizon network, for those who have my old phone #. We also can now receive and send texts with no charges.

If you DON'T have my phone number and would like it, or don't have my old phone number and want to verify/what-have-you, feel free to comment. :3 All comments are screened for your privacy.

Best fucking weekend EVER.

I am SO on a high right now, and with only four hours of sleep under my belt too >XD This weekend was exactly what I needed, and I really have this feeling that things are going to look up.

Squeef! :3

You know, I have decided:

OFFICE MAX, YOUR WEBSITE SUCKS!

I'm helping my sisters with their show stuff, so I was looking around for the best prices to have their price list and fliers printed. Yeah. Well, uploading the file initiates the order with them. No "Process Order", no nothing. I'm like "ZOMGWTF" I called their customer service, and they basically told me, "Yeah, you'll need to call the store in the morning and have them cancel it. Have fun with that!"

So I'm staying up tonight. I CAN DO IT!

Wish my sisters luck though. They're amazing photographers, and they've to this point never really put themselves out there. They're taking the leap now and going to a Senior Picture show, and the whole county of seniors is invited to this thing. If they play their cards right, they can land a LOT of business.

Here, I'll plug 'em. ;) Not that it does anyone on my flist any good, except to see what I mean when I say they're good:


http://rcherishedphotography.blogspot.com

There's been a lot of negativity in my posts lately that I'm not entirely proud of. I'd say it's rather unprofessional of me, but perhaps that's why this is a personal and not a professional journal. I've been particularly pensive lately, I've had a lot to think about - 'bout friendships, love, things like that. Remembering that everyone I meet (even if they end up ripping me apart) is met for a reason. Calming myself down, steering me away from  hate and back to knowing that getting flustered over it is just not worth the time.

I couldn't move on the first time, but I think - carefully, I can.

On another note, while the Boy and I were making dice bags at my mom's house, I accidentally let the dog loose while showing everyone my happily repaired tooth. I'll get to that part later.

So Jedi went gallivanting all over my old 'territory'. Down through the woods, up into the Sedwick heights, and I chased after him. Met his "girlfriend", too. Riley, btw, is a big sweetie cutie, too. I did manage to grab the big oaf and drag him to my sister's car (thank goodness she came to pick me up), and head back home - but for those moments when I plunged into the woods. The smells, the atmosphere... it was like I was taken back in time. I felt like I was just a kid again, trudging off into the woods and plunging into the skunkweed that lines the little stream banks. I could smell the same familiar smells of the Soulgrounds I grew up with, the same place that had been destroyed what feels like ages ago. I know they've been ravaged and raped, but the scent was still hung on the air. It was magical, and breathtaking, and I just forgot the doldrums of daily life. Just for a few moments, but it was so absolutely worth it.

It makes me totally look forward to next weekend, where with any luck, I'll be revisiting another place of my past. I only pray it too has not fallen.

But, on a less spiritual note, I adore my dentist. That last post about my tooth breakage? Well, turns out I wasn't going to be able to afford it, and really - it was going to have to be pulled as a horrible horrible gaptooth in front. I was devastated. But he managed to make me a resin crown for it. Expensive, yes. I still can't afford it outright, but because he did what he did, I can make payments. And thus, I have a tooth. It gives me a sad sense of pride that I can still smile and not feel apprehensive about it.

And bedtime calls, but I figured I'd give you all a positive update.

Oh, and if anyone even cares about it: My son is eating cereal now, and he's getting so honking big. He's only 4 1/2 months, but the (adorable) PJs he's in are 6-9 month size, WTF. He's getting too big too fast! Gotta sit on him and make him shrink. >X3

Life is so much better when you're not walking on eggshells.

What a lovely mother's day present I got this morning.

I have a tooth missing. Well, I know where it is - but it's not in my mouth. >XO It was the tooth I had a root canal on a few years back, so there's also a lovely little metal post hanging out of the spot it used to be.

Furf.

So I'm stuck eating non-solid foods until I can get my butt to a dentist (hopefully tomorrow), where I'll have to pay like a minimum of $600 for a crown...possibly have to pay for a bridge.

And if I end up needing to get a bridge, I'm going to be looking quite gap-toothed for a while.

But dangit. I don't want to drop $600 on Mother's day. Not nice!

Aside from that though, my mother's day has been pretty nice. I got to lay in bed the majority of the day and lots of snuggles. :D

Note to self: Seeing how the automatic shower cleaner works is not worth getting squirted in the eyes.

Thank god it's more of a detergent and not so much a chemical cleaner, and rinsing is all that's needed if you get it in your eyes.

>.> Can we say not too bright? I think we can. Makes for good stories, at least!

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So today I've had my last dentist appt while having insurance. I'm really, really going to miss having insurance, and I can only hope that I find a job that allows me that benefit. The antibiotics are making my stomach queasy, but I'm still...relieved.

I went from having a mouthful of decay and apprehension about how I was going to deal with it to...not. Sure, not everything is done, but a number of things are, and my sore jaw and upset stomach is but a small price to pay. Let's see if I can keep up with them this time around. 

Aside from that, I'm back down to 141lb from my delivery weight of 175. I've still got a shelf, since I had a C-section, but at 8 weeks, I'm finally allowed to start doing sit-ups, power-walking, etc. Man, it feels good. Like, super-good. My small bout of recent depression has been amazingly snapped just by returning to semi-daily power walks. I can't wait till it warms up. Not only will the warmer weather and springtime alleviate my seasonal depression, but I'll be able to take Vinny out to enjoy the day with me.

Speaking of which, I love motherhood. I sincerely do.

I can't say I never complain. After my stupid self decides to stay awake till 5AM, feed the little guy and try and get some shut-eye only to have him wide awake and wanting attention, my nerves are pretty shot and the only thing I can think of is "Can't someone take him for a few hours?" But really, the second he's gone, I miss him - I miss him, and his cute little sobs, and his smiles.

Oh god, those smiles. That's the best part of motherhood, is that no matter how tired, angry or depressed you may be, all they have to do is smile and you're theirs. No matter what you were concerned or upset over, one smile turns your day around in three seconds flat. Just knowing that he's there, that he loves me, that he needs me - that I'm his mother. Sure, I know he'll break my heart a few times when he grows up. Lord knows I've broken my parents' hearts, too. But that doesn't matter.

So me, a mother. I know right? Who'd have possibly thought. Who could have seen me having conversations at length about diaper brands and diligently sterilizing bottles every night. Who would have thought that I, queen of "LET ME EAT and I NEED MY SLEEP" would be able to easily shove those ideals out of my head so that my little boy is fed and cared for first. I'm not quite ready to do it all again yet, but it won't be long.

So after the end of the week, I'm job hunting again. I don't expect anything grand, but I can hope. Things are finally getting back to normal, and it's time, with the help of my family, to heal the hurts that my former job dredged into my mind, body and soul. I can be normal again.

I will return to normal.

Alright

Bedtime.

Susan Ashton - "Stand"

With visible breath, I'm calling your name
With visible tracks, I'm finding my way
With a sorrowful heart, I honor this pain
And offer these tears to the rain

In a moment of truth at the top of the hill
I open my arms and let go of my will

And stand with my face to the wind
With the storm beating down on this sacred ground
If I stand for the grace that I've known
For what I believe
Then I won't stand alone
No I won't stand alone

There's a new pair of eyes to embrace all I see
A new peice of mind and it comes quietly
There's a joy in my heart that you've given to me
And I offer this soul's melody

So I beat on my chest till my song has been sung
And I cry like a wolf at the top of my lungs

And stand with my face to the wind
With the storm beating down on this sacred ground
If I stand for the grace that I've known
For what I believe
Then I won't stand alone
No I won't stand alone

When the thundering voices of doubt try to shake my faith, oh
I'll be listening from inside out and I won't be afraid to

Stand with my face to the wind
With the storm beating down on this sacred ground
If I stand for the grace that I've known
For what I believe
Then I won't stand alone
No I won't stand...I won't stand alone




I love this song. :3

Big-ass photo dump of my little boy at http://phoenixhart.blogspot.com

Here are a couple samples:





I can just picture the second one saying "CURSES! Foiled again!"

*yawn* He slept most of the day... I'm not going to get a good night's rest, am I?

Gwaaaaaaaaah.

I feel like I'm losing my touch with art. Or maybe that's because I'm taking the effort to step outside my comfort zone, and my stuff isn't showing up half as lovely as I'd like it to.
Foreshortening will be the death of me.

So I've decided to start doing the 30-second drawing over at Posemaniacs on a nightly basis. Because right now, my doodles look like Poo, and I think they need to improve. I need to have a good grip of anatomy, balance, etc etc if I ever intend to finish this Manga - and I sincerely feel the need to do so, to actually fulfill at least one of my goals. OH is my baby, and there's no good reason that after eleven years of work, that this is all the further it's come. I don't even have a freaking chapter.

I will improve. I need to improve. I need to get a better, steady hand and stop producing all this random crap.

I can do this!

Despite the negative connotations that usually go with it, I'm a major anime fan (obviously). And it's not that I don't enjoy the new things (because believe me, I do!) But I am seriously a Nostalgia nut. I could spend hours re-watching Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing, Fushigi Yuugi and lately - Slayers.

I am so re-addicted to it at the moment it's insane. Possibly because of Slayers Revolution and Evolution-R, the newest installment in the series that's kinda revived everything. Yes, Slayers is goofy, and full of plot holes, and I'm sure there are several critique-able things about it. Someone who's looking for a deep storyline with supremely complex characters can probably overlook it pretty easily. Moreoften than not, it's very lighthearted and full of humour. It's one of my favorite animes I watched as a teenager, and continues to be so. If nothing else, the opening/ending lyrics to almost all of the series are amazing, and they'll never get old to me. I'm kinda tired of the internet idea that a series has to be as complicated as real life in order to be considered worthy. It's pretty nice to have straightforward characters with dominating traits. It's kinda nice to be able to enjoy a story, even if it's one of those "Stop the Bad Guy" story sorta things.

I'm glad I'm enjoying it though. :) It's been refueling my interest to work on OH, and it's been a good reminder that I don't need to get too complicated to make a good story. It's the simple things that count the most, IMHO.

I gotta go dig up my Lappy so I can watch NEXT during feedings tonight. :3

Off to the Superbowl party at my mom's house.

HERE WE GO, STEELERS! >XDDDD

Even if I'm the only one on my flist rooting for them, lmao. I have much hometown love.

Sorry about my previous post - I'm sure it's a combination of lack of sleep and hormones. ^^; Back to your regularly scheduled journal, yes?

Working on some OH things. Really need to get my butt in gear, and you guys and your projects are inspiring me. I need to hire someone to get up my ass every time I stop working on it. ;)

For anyone with blogspot, I've got a blog up over there to post randomness, and pics/stories about my lovely little boy, too. :) I'd put it all here, but all my family has blogspot, and I wanted to make something they'd actually frequent.

So yeah:

Behold - http://phoenixhart.blogspot.com

YAY!

After lots of struggle getting it in my darn door - I now have a couch! I survived okay without one, but it makes life a lot easier now. ;) (That, and people will come visit me now that I have something to sit on. Huzzah!)

I know, this probably isn't momentous to most people - but it's super exciting to me!

And now to go laze on the couch and play me some... hmm... Okami, maybe. I've been itching to re-play it.